Life in your 40’s

It’s my birthday in a couple of weeks and I’m going to be 42. This has caused me some consternation, because I have a clear image in my head of what a 42 year old looks like and it’s definitely not me. When I was young I knew exactly what adult I was going to be. I would be an expensively highlighted, coiffed, unmistakably elegant woman. I would wear silk shirts, tucked into high waisted trousers and smoke cigarettes with a cigarette holder. Basically I as going to be Alex from Dynasty. Now as 42 speeds towards me I look in the mirror and realise that I’m just a wrinklier version of the same shabbily dressed teenage dirt bag I always was. I think to myself, what went wrong? Will I ever grow up?

As I look at the women around me it seems that some women were born old whereas some women never grow up. 40 really is just a number and has no impact at all on how you live your life at 40 at all.

So as a tongue in cheek way to celebrate middle age, here’s a humorous, entirely made up, imagining of some of the 40 something year olds there are in the world.

 

Party mama

To all outward appearances Party Mama is an ordinary and respectable mum. By day she competently runs her family (2 kids, lazy husband), her job, (Marketing Manager) and her dog (Cockapoo). By evening you will find her counting down the minutes to 5pm when she can pour herself an enormous glass of wine and relax. Unfortunately The Party Mama rarely manages just the one glass of wine. This makes the weekdays incredibly hard work as it requires suffering through the school run and work with a hangover. Thankfully the grandparents like to take the kids out on a Sunday morning and so Saturday night she can really let herself go. One bottle of wine often turns into two and Party mama is always the last one home. Sunday mornings the kids mainline TV as Party Mama lies in bed cringing at last night’s antics. When the nausea has passed she spends the rest of the day sending apologetic texts to those who may have been the recipient of some of her more cutting remarks or outlandish dance moves.

The Horsey Mum

Mags lives in a large dilapidated inherited family home in the country. The house is filled to the brim with animals and various distant family members. Her 4 children who are as horse mad as she is share their bedrooms with a menagerie of rabbits, cats and dogs. The rest of the house is given over to the 6 black labs, two terrapins and a goldfish. Mags has always preferred animals to people and though has a soft spot for her kids. Her true loves are the 6 ponies she stables in the yard. Sadly only two are Mags as she has the property but not the cash. The others are rescues, which she rehabilitates. The eldest children help her school the rescues and both are well on their way to Golds at pony club. Unfortunately Mags doesn’t have enough time for a paid job with all the animals so the family live in a state of perpetual poverty. This isn’t a problem at all as the entire family is happiest when mucking out horses or whelping pups.

 

The Raver

She’s pushing late 40’s but that’s no reason to stop having fun. The raver has 1 kid. She had to stopclubbing during pregnancy so couldn’t bring herself to have another. Stanley has been attending festivals since he was a baby and is as at home in the Dub step tent at Glasto as at playgroup. The Raver and her mates have been going clubbing on Fridays since they were 15 and a kid wasn’t going to change that. Granny looks after the little’un on Fridays and ‘gang’ head out. They still get their pills at 1995 prices and are known at every club in town. The Raver hasn’t been to sleep before 6am on a Saturday morning since she started clubbing. Saturdays are for sleeping till midday and then ‘vegging out’ round a mate’s house until work on Monday. She has a reasonably successful job but it’s just a means to an end as life is all about Friday night.

 

The Perfectionist

Her 40’s have arrived and her line free face has never looked better. Well taken care of over the yearswith weekly facials and manicures. The perfectionist is both a mum and a career woman and never ever loses her rag. Her two perfect children are always immaculately dressed in Little Boden and Joules. They excel in all subjects and their extras, which they’ve been taking since they could walk. Although only 5 Arabellas bedroom is full of medals, after all her drive to succeed is only matched by that of her mother.

The perfectionist runs her own interior design business. She uses her own home (which has featured in Homes & Gardens) as the place to meet clients because it allows her to show off her impeccable taste.

The perfectionist has a chorus line of girlfriends that she has known since childhood. The ‘girls’ meet every weds for lunch and go on frequent spa trips getting much needed downtime from their hectic lives. Hubby is a secondary feature in the family’s life. Intimidated as he is by his hugely successful wife, he is happy to slink in from work and retire to his study where he can study ornithology in peace.

 

The Crusader

The Crusader has never had enough time for children. It wasn’t her intention, but she has been so busyworking that by the time she realised she wanted to have kids it was all a bit too late. It doesn’t bother her. Sylvia is more than aware of the number of orphaned children in the world and plans to adopt when she gets back from her next placement. Dividing her time between her work as an aid officer and her personal projects, there is little time for herself or a child at present. Her latest crusade is raising the awareness of plastics in the ocean and overfishing in South Korea. Her small 1 bed apartment is a trophy case of things collected from her travels all over the world and her clothes are a mishmash of the same. Whilst time is short and her social circle limited, the Crusader is happy. Or she would be if only she could find better solutions to solve the words problems.

 

The Happy Gay

After years spent unhappily dating and concentrating on her career the happy gay is now happily married. Having met the love of her life late, she now has it all. A gorgeous flat, a fabulous career, frequent holidays abroad and money to enjoy it. Weekends are spent brunching at the local café, taking long walks in the park and fine dining at the best restaurants with her wife and a cacophony of friends. The happy gay has pondered children but her wife is younger and there’s no hurry. They are content with where they are and time is on their side. The happy gays straight married friends look on enviously and single straight ones contemplate lesbianism as if it were a choice.

 

The Gym Mama

The Gym Mama is gorgeous. With the body of a 25 year old this mama isn’t fazed by her age at all. She’s not told anyone her true age for years. Her fabulously rich husband can’t believe his luck and insists she doesn’t work. She has dabbled from time to time with art and writing but it never came off. Realistically she doesn’t have time for a job with her beauty care regime taking up most of the day. The Gym Mama drops her little ones off at school and then hits the gym every day except Wednesday when she heads to Sergei for her massage. Nails are done twice a week, hair blow dried every three days and waxing twice a month. She has lunch with the girls every Monday, Weds and Friday and girls weekend a way at least every 4 weeks as it’s exhausting looking this good. Luckily her Au pair and cleaner take care of the girls after school, so once gym and ‘maintenance’ are done she can relax with a book in the afternoon. When hubby gets home she makes sure to document her fabulous life with a selfie before heading out to the latest restaurant.

 

The Quiet One

Quietly single, quietly reserved. The quiet one prides herself on being there for her friends. She’s ashoulder to cry one with an open door to everyone who needs it. She works as a PA in a local firm but her real passion is cooking. She loves nothing more than having people over to try out her recipes. Unfortunately, she spends more time alone eating her batch cooking than she does with friends. She’s not had a partner for many years. Nowadays she has little interest in romance preferring instead to spend time in front on the fire with her cats and a good book. Although somewhat lonely she is a member of the local book club, knitting club and the WI. She’s not unadventurous though and has been known to throw caution to the wind and her pashmina to the floor at the WI winter ball every January.

 

*These are made up, if you think it’s you it isn’t. Chill.

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