This morning I lost it with my children. It’s been a long hard weekend. Tantrum no. 45 hit as I tried to get them out the door for school was the one that tipped me over the edge. I’m not a maniac, so losing it only involved me bellowing at them loud enough for all Nairobi to hear and stomping off to have my own mini tantrum. Not the worst example of mothering in the world but enough to make you feel like shit for the entire day.
My 3 children are 15 months apart and they are a constant challenge. They are 5 and 6 and have recently swapped the no sleep at night and colicky crying of their babyhood, for bickering, taunting and crazed violence. I spent the entire weekend trying to stop them from murdering each other, listening to tantrums and patching up wounds. It’s been non-stop. I’m exhausted. My head hurts and I want to cry. Something has to change or what next? They kill each other or they kill me.
I’m told sibling fights and rivalry are completely normal, but I cant just accept that this is a part of my life. An hour or so of internet trawling later and I’m offered a solution. It seems that there are specific reasons that kids act up and all you need to do is to find the root cause
Boredom
This one is pretty obvious. If your kid is bored then provoking a reaction either from mum or brother and sister is instant entertainment. I’m all for the idea of leaving kids to be bored, but what if they don’t angelically pull out their puzzles and decide instead to repeatedly hit their brother on the head with a stick? In this case, all you need to do is break the boredom. Redirect their attention away from mass slaughter and suggest a game, baking, drawing a picture or a bike ride. Anything to make it stop, right?
Your child is feeling neglected
Even little kids have worked out acting up is a sure fire way to get noticed, if they are feeling ignored. This is something that really hit home to me. And definitely something that made me look at how I managed our children this weekend. Did I pay enough attention to my kids? You see, because there are 3 of them I fall into the trap of thinking that as they have inbuilt friends I don’t need to bother as much. Horrible isnt it. My solution yesterday could have been to give more time and attention to them instead of yelling. When I think about it the only time when they stopped fighting was when we swam and painted together. The solution seems so easy. Except that Sundays are Mummys day to relax too and sometimes it’s so hard to be ‘jolly mummy’ all the time. Definitely one to think about.
Resentment
In turns out that in always trying to solve my kids problems for them may in fact be exacerbating the issue. When my solution is to punish one kid, or reward another, resentment builds. This resentment isn’t manifested towards me but instead taken out of siblings. Purposefully annoying each other and picking on each other are all ways to act out against a perceived slight from the parents. Your kid may be feeling unloved or even jealous of their brother/sister and this is how they are showing you.
Teamwork
The best way to solve conflicts is as a team any by all parties speaking in a respectful way. Yep! That includes parents. Listening to each childs own point of view. Treating them as individuals they are and trying to work a solution where no one feels slighted. In the end its not about all children being given the same or treated equal. It’s about all the children being given what the need.
Positive vibes
My friend said to me this morning that for every negative thing you say to a child you should try and say 6 positive ones. This way they take on the feedback but the outcome still feels positive.
It’s all about the gin
This all sounds like a lot of work to me. Last night I just wanted to lie down in a vat of gin and send all my kids to the UK to live with grandma. But in the cold light of day and with a few hours to mull over the weekend, I can see why it was so hard and what I could have done differently. I can see that the above techniques will probably work. Putting more time in at the beginning so that you don’t create issues that will fester and grow is logical. And my assumption that I don’t need to spend much one on one time with my your kids because I gave them is a brother or sister is just down right laziness.
So tonight I’m going to try and do better. I’m going to paint a picture with them when they get home, take them for a bike ride and maybe even go for a swim. I may still drink a vat of gin whilst I do it, but do it I will.
Go easy on yourself, you sound amazing and not lazy in the slightest. Your post has really given me food for thought, I have two boys who fight all the time and I think a lot of the reasons you list are so true. Its just so hard isnt it to be jolly, especially when you’ve got so much to do. Also very true about 6 positives to one negative, I think for adults the ratio of this is 10:1. Hang on in there you are doing great.
Thanks. I feel like such a whiner sometimes it’s nice to bite people are in the same boat x
I came across this blog via Lonely Planet forum post, because our family of 6 is heading to Kenya in a couple weeks.
One thing that’s helped us with fighting is practicing the good behavior. i’m going to see if this posts before typing more….
not sure if this is working but cont. ….
So if my son is mean to his brother after we talk about it, he gets to practice being nice. Starting out I pick the activity: read to brother for 10 min (with me in room so i can listen for problems) , play what brother wants for 20 min, share a favorite toy for the day, give him a piece of candy from his box, etc.
After a few weeks I might have him think: “what could you do to make this up to your brother? or to show kindness to him?”
Sometimes they get in the habit of selfishness and this helps them reverse that and form the habit of kindness.
Hope it helps!!
oh, and this just jumped out when i scrolled up and saw the pic — one thing I have noticed with my 3 boys is superhero play leads to agressive play. you might, as an experiment, say “ we’re going to take a break from superheroes for a month. Think of something else to play. “ and just observe. i think it may bring some peace into your home. they will whine but get over it fast. :)
Thanks so much for your site! I want this kind of info for our trip!!!
thanks for your comments.. i think you are right on all counts.. need to up my parenting game. Ive defntely got slack the last few months and the behaviour has deteriorated..