New year, new beginnings… or not!
We are 7 days into the new year and my life has been a whole lot of endings. My heart is sore with goodbyes, and rather than feeling optimistic, full of resolutions and goal setting, I’m looking back at 2019 and wondering what I need to change.
I’ve had a few months of self-reflection and life analysis. I’ve been trying to figure out if I am the person I want to be. I’ve made a conscious effort to be kinder and more generous. To remove gossip from my life and make a definite step away from toxic people.
To give is to receive
I once heard someone say that the only way to build a truly deep and meaningful relationship with someone was to be fully open and to share who you really are. Warts and all. I think I’m good at this. I trust people easily and keep little back. I’m generous in giving and don’t expect in return, but as I look at the people in my life I’m struggling with the transient nature of life, not just my life as an ex-pat – although that definitely exacerbates it – but the nature of all life.
Since the earliest age, I’ve craved the warmth and solidity of a friendship that never falters and of a partner that is always there. I’m lucky, lucky because I have that with my husband. So I do count my blessings, but when it comes to the entire world outside my door. I’m 43 but I still haven’t figured out a way to navigate friendships and people in a world that is constantly changing.
Because I’m starting to believe that, outside of my immediate family, everyone leaves. My life is littered with past friendships. A Facebook full of people I barely speak to anymore.
Loving and losing those important to you
In 2019 I worked to build more meaningful relationships with a small group of people rather than purely social interactions with a larger. In doing that I opened up in many ways. I shared my home and my heart. I told them secrets I was ashamed of and made myself always available to them. Despite how hard I work to make positive choices I can’t help but feel that it’s inevitable that times change and people move on. And wonder that if every time I share myself I am not giving my soul away and losing something rather than gaining.
In two days my closest friend in the world is leaving. My world will be a darker place without her.
When I go to school today a handful of mums I used to care for and go out for drinks with will be absent. They returned to their own countries. This expat wheel turns. I’ve only been here 2 and a half years yet lost so many friends already.
Over Christmas, I spent time with my family and felt anew the pain of leaving them as we parted again, with no planned time to meet.
This year I know four people my own age who have passed away.
Doing laundry in 2020
Then there are the people that you need to push away. If my 20’s was about amassing a large group of friends and acquaintances, and my 30’s about work and family, then my 40’s is definitely about making sure the right people are in my life going forward.
Toxic friendships
Some people are introspective; they look at themselves and their lives. They try to self improve, to treat people with kindness and to honestly address wrongs. And other’s don’t. Some people crash through life with no consideration at all. I’ve had it with people who don’t care and love for others. For gossips, for selfish people, for people who don’t have the time to answer texts, to check-in. For people that thrive on drama, for people who love to argue and pick fights. I want to tell those people that it’s possible to be strong and brave and vivacious and fun and to still recognise what an impact you have on the world and those around you. How important it is to treat people with respect and generosity.
I’m working on phasing those people out. But it’s scary in a world where people come and go with such regularity to say goodbye to anyone, even if they are bad for you. The internet is full of people posting about toxic friendships and narcissist behaviour but some relationships are not as simple as unfriending on Facebook. This is a goal for 2020, to say no more. To move away from negativity. To make sure I am not a toxic person myself.
A notebook full of old friends
I’m beginning to understand that my life is full of people I have loved and lost. I’m an ardent believer in friendships being able to be managed cross seas, but as more people leave I start to wonder what is the point in reaching out.
I’ve written lots of times about the importance of expat friends. How my life here would be incomplete without my solid network of friends who act like a family for me. But as I count five best friends on four different continents, I wonder if I can keep getting so close to people. Making friends is fabulous, but losing them, again and again, is a heartbreak I’m not sure I can keep committing to.
Anyone else feel the same?
Does anyone else feel the same way? Not so long ago I wrote a very similar blog post, but ended it by saying that part of our expat travels is about meeting new people, and that the constant rotation of people in our lives was a positive thing. Now Im not so sure. I’m not sure if this expat wheel, this cycling of friends, is not more of a drain than a gain. Thoughts??
I totally and utterly and 100% hear you. I’m now reading your posts on email and not on Facebook because late last year I decided to remove the app from my phone – there was just too much that was too much for me there and I couldn’t filter the posts enough to see only those from people that meant something to me.
I can count my true friends on two hands and they are scattered around the globe…what makes real friends great is that distance means very little: WhatsApp messages and videos and FaceTime (as and when we can; sometimes only twice a year) have enabled us to feel close even if we aren’t physically close and those that matter have no problem picking up the thread of conversation from where it was last left off…I love that!
Yes, expatting brings a new and more challenging dimension to it, but it also forces us to get creative in finding ways to touch base: a good friend has deliberately booked international flights that take her via Nairobi so that we can spend a whole day together and I’ve booked tickets to go see Celine Dion in Amsterdam (eeeee!!) with other friends in June…
Aaanyhooo: a long comment to say simply this: true friends are always worth the extra effort it sometimes takes to connect. Because you know they will do the dame for you ????
YOu are absolutey right. I also have a number of friends across the world that are incredibly important to me… and despite the distance we still love each other and fit right back together as soon as we meet again. Despite how sad it is to be far from them iwouldnt give them up for the world
Hi Nadine, you’ve brought up so many points to think on. Like you, people have come and gone in my life while I’ve been abroad in France. Maybe someone would have gone even if I’d stayed in NYC. I find it especially tough when you’re going through a hard time and need that extra support and you think of people who were once there for you who now are not. In the hard moments, the sting is even worse.
But we lean harder on the people we have in our lives and I feel like I cherish those who are there for me even more and just try to appreciate the time we have together.
Excellent food for thought!
http://www.ouiinfrance.com
Thanks for your comment… yes its the hard times that are the worst. And missing people you used to turn to for advice and comfort. All teh calls and texts in the world arent the same as a natter over a glass of wine
Your post will resonate with many expat, as it does with me. You’ve described the issue and the emotions very well.
In my native Dutch there is a saying: Good neighbors are better than far friends. I have lived in 8 or so different countries, and have friends scattered around the globe. I feel very much like you about always having to say goodbye. I treasure those friends, and staying in contact with them, but I see the great value of nurturing relationships wherever you are, no matter how long you are there.
I am living in France right now with my American husband and over a year ago an ambulance took him away from our house to the hospital (he’s okay). I could not go with him in the ambulance. One of my French neighbors, who is lovely, but an ‘acquaintance’ rather than a friend, drove me to the hospital thinking I should not drive myself. She sat around for several hours while I was with my husband, then took me back home, brought over a plate of food later one and said to call her any time. Offered to drive me again the next day.
Then my friends in the village got together and for a week took turns taking me to the hospital and back, sat around waiting for me there. None of them were truly soul mate friends or even very close friends, but they were there for me. My family members and close friends scattered around the world were not, much as I would have liked them to be. Being on Facebook or Skype means a lot, but it does not replace direct physical presence. It is often tempting for serial expats to not invest in relationships because they’re not going to last, but this situation taught me that we must stay open and do what we can to connect with people, hard as it often seems to ‘start over again.” This pain of always having to say goodbye is something we must accept in our lives. Fortunately there are many positives to expat life!
I love that story. Its true that people act as family when you are an expat. It’s one of the things I like the best, the display of human kindness from people that dont need to be kind.