Some stories deserve a voice

I’ve toyed with writing this blog for a week or so now. It’s one of those ones that is possibly over sharing and on a topic I don’t particularly want everyone I meet to know. At the same time I can’t help but think that it’s an important subject and one that needs to be spoken about more often. With that in mind here goes.

When easy isn’t easy

A few weeks ago I came off anti depressants for the first time in 5 years. It sounds such a simple thing. To stop taking a pill. But as anyone who has relied on them as an emotional crutch for any length of time knows. It isn’t.

There are myriad factors that make it hard. The main being that they are a crutch; a comfort blanket that wraps you in its warm and fuzzy embrace. A safe place, where things don’t hurt you, people don’t annoy you and everything is a little brighter, lighter and less scary. The thought of willingly walking away from this sanctuary this is fearful thing. Particularly for someone that has seen depression and climbed back up. For someone that still deals with anxiety and panic attacks as part of daily life.

It’s also hard because coming off anti-depressants isn’t a simple thing. It’s a process which takes months and yet the day that you take your last quarter tablet you know you will still face weeks, maybe months of feeling ill and out of control of your emotions. It’s voluntarily putting your body into withdrawal, denying it a drug that perhaps you still need to remain sane. I’ve tried a few times before to come off the pills with no success, in fact I wrote a blog about it here.

So why stop?

I’ve struggled with the concept of taking a pill for the rest of my life for years. I’ve felt like the time was right to try and walk alone for a while now. I recognise I’ll find life harder and my issues with anxiety make be exacerbated but I feel that for me it’s worth it.. and so I took the plunge.

So I’m nearly 3 weeks off them. It’s been a hard ride, a journey I’m still on. And how do I feel now? Well that’s the entire point of this post …I feel.

Feeeelings

Sometimes you don’t realise you lost something until you get it back. It’s only now, looking back at the turbulent few weeks that it hit me. I lost the ability to feel, to really feel. Wrapping myself up in cotton wool was what I needed 5 years ago when suffering from Post Natal Depression. At the time I welcomed the numbness. When my emotions were too much to handle and life too difficult to manage without a handhold. But I didn’t realise what I’d lost when I started taking the pills.

Happy feelings

In the last few weeks I’ve felt excited. Really excited. And about nothing special or amazing. I remember now, the little shivery tingles of excitement I used to get ahead of the weekend. A breathless anticipation of FUN. Going out over the last few years has usually been met with a tired sigh and longing thoughts of a night in bed with a good book. The other day when I was planning my weekend, the tingles came back. I felt so excited and so lucky to have such fun plans for a weekend with my friends. I can’t believe I forgot that going out was something to look forward to. To get goose bumpy about. I felt 16 again.

Sad feelings

Last weekend I got some bad news and it made me cry. Properly cried. For 5 years I’ve not cried much at all. I’ve been upset and shed a tear of two (usually after too much wine). But this weekend I properly cried. Great big snot filled, heaving heavy sobs. It felt wonderful. It was an outpouring of emotion that has been so long bottled up. There’s nothing better than a good cry:

Crying is not only a human response to sorrow and frustration, it’s a healthy one.†It is a natural way to reduce emotional stress that, if left unchecked, can have negative physical effects on the body

What I’ve been doing is trapping all that stress, sorrow and frustration inside for 5 long years. And so yes it’s a little strange to say that crying felt wonderful but it did.

Fit and strong

I feel physically fitter than I have done in years. Whilst my runs are still hard work I’m really enjoying them. I finish and I want to run further rather than hating every miserable step. I finished my run in the pouring rain and I wanted to run again. It was exhilarating. I felt free and strong and powerful.

I’m eating healthier foods and craving alcohol and sugar less. I’ve gained 8kg since antidepressants. It’s thought that Anti depressants raise your body’s set point. We all have a natural weight, which our bodies sit at. It used to be that however much I ate or dieted I remained within 3kgs of a certain weight. The same is true now but that weight is 8kgs more. Have I lost any weight? Not yet, but I feel healthier and I’ll keep my fingers crossed for the rest.

Withdrawal is tough

It’s been a tough three weeks. There was one day a couple of weeks ago when I could have killed everyone I came into contact with. Another when I felt so ill I couldn’t get out of bed. Another when my anxiety felt so overwhelming I doubted I’d be able to drive the car to pick the kids up from school. I didn’t tell my husband or friends what I was doing because I didn’t want to give myself the excuse to behave badly. I knew I’d be irritable and angry didn’t want to allow myself the luxury of tantrums. I didn’t tell them I why I felt so sick. I needed to do this by myself for myself and didn’t want to be persuaded otherwise. It’s not been easy and I’m definitely not there yet but I’m so proud of myself for doing it.

Do what you need to do when the time is right for you

There is absolutely nothing wrong with taking anti depressants/anxiety tablets. We live in a world where we are constantly expected to be superhero mums, wives, husbands, friends, and workers. Trying to do all that nearly killed me and I needed help. Those pills saved my life and made me strong enough to be where I am today. We all need whatever help we can get to ensure that we live our best life. Not ticking boxes and making it through the day but having a really fabulous life that makes US happy. However, if you too, feel like you can do this without pills and want to give it a try then here’s now I did it. Please note it took me 2 years and about 5 attempts, so don’t beat yourself up if you have tried and failed before, or try and fail this time.

Taper

Take months to wean yourself off. I reduced to a half, then a quarter, then spaced the days out. Even doing this the withdrawal symptoms were harsh. See here for what you can expect.

Exercise

The single most important thing that helped me was exercise. I started boxing. Beating the crap out of something is terribly therapeutic when you feel like you want to scream. I ran, the longer and harder the run the more relaxed and calm I was when I got home.

Time

Give yourself time to rest. If you need a day in bed then take it. If you need to cancel a night out then do so. If you feel so irritable or sad that you feel you’ve made the wrong decision by stopping, just give it another day. For every bad day I had, I’d have a good one the next day.

Educate yourself. Know what to expect. Pretty much anything you feel or think is a result of withdrawal and will pass.

If in doubt, message me. I’m not expert but I can certainly share my experiences.

Be strong. Love yourself.

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