I’ve got a complaint, I suspect that it’s the parenting equivalent of #firstworldproblems or #middleclassproblems. Meaning it’s one of those ‘ just get a grip’ issues that I should be able to resolve myself, but what’s the point of a blog if you can’t occasionally reach out and say ‘anyone else???”
When leaving the house is a challenge
My son doesn’t want to do anything other than watch TV or play on his PlayStation. (Please don’t go into the mistakes of allowing a 6 year old access to a PlayStation, I know it was a grave error). While his little brother and sister happily trot off to riding, ballet or football, my big boy has little enthusiasm for anything. He does sport at school but trying to get him to do anything outside of school results in an WW3. Thus far we manage through a mixture of bribery, blackmail and undelivered threats, but now the school holidays are approaching and the kids have EIGHT WEEKs off. I can’t allow him to spend 8 weeks in front of a screen so I’m attempting to put a plan in place. I’ve told him he has to do an activity in the morning to be allowed screen time in the afternoon. The activity can be anything he likes . I’ve looked into Chess club, Lego club, Tae Kwando, Football, Tennis, Swimming… it can even just be a play date or a bike ride with mum. In response he hasn’t spoken to me for two days. He literally will not entertain doing anything.
I know! I know what you are going to say: ‘you’re the adult, he’s the kid, just don’t give him a choice’ but here’s the scenario if I force him.
Me: it’s time to go to xxx
Son: has a melt down
Me: beg, cajole, bribe and eventually force him into the car
Son: gets to xx activity and sits in the corner refusing to join in
Huge embarrassment. Waste of money. Frustration… And I’ve got to do this 5 days a week for 8 weeks?? Shoot me. Shoot me now.
I was at a loss. 1. Why doesn’t he want to do anything and 2. how can I encourage him over the holidays. I’ve already written about my struggles with discipline. In an attempt to make this blog more than 1000 words of me moaning, I’ve did a little research and here is what I found.
The Anxious Child
Initially I found all kinds of article about how balance is good for kids. How they need to find ways to relax as well and screen time meets this need. How allowing your kids to spend time watching TV and on tablets for up to 90 minutes a day is absolutely fine. I clung on to this… ‘Great’ I thought ‘ just 11 and a half hours to fill with something else’.
Then I found an article on the Under Scheduled kid which made me think twice. The article uses the term ‘Under Scheduled’ but really it’s just an analogy for ‘Anxious Child’… and oh does the cap fit
This is the child who doesn’t like sports, hates music lessons, would never join a club, and won’t do anything after school. The child who through the years “tried” all these things, quit, and then refused to go back.
Under-scheduled children come home from school and immediately turn on the screens. They rush through homework and dinner to get back to their best electronic friends
If you try to talk about this with your child, you are in for a battle. If you arbitrarily sign up your child for after-school activities and try to force your child to go, you are throwing your money away. Sooner, rather than later, you will hear, “I hate it, I don’t want to go! PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME GO! The kids are mean, the coach hates me! You can’t force me!” As soon as you say, “OK. you can stay home,” calm returns, the battle is over, your “happy” child is back in front of a screen — and the winner is: anxiety.
So what can I do if my little boy is avoiding activities because of issues with confidence. Rather than forcing him into uncomfortable situations then I need to find ways to make him comfortable with trying something new. Ironically the very activities he avoids are probably the solution. Exercise is a key combatant for anxiety. The best way to build confidence is to practice and get better.
Approach with caution
The key is in choosing your child’s activities wisely. Think carefully about what your child likes and what they want to do. My son has no interest in team sports, he’s a solitary child so signing him up for a weeks football clinic isn’t going to work. Things I could try would be solo activities such as tennis, art, Tae Kwando, swimming, golf or horse riding. Perhaps I’ll give them all a go and see which one he likes best. A parent should consider their children as individuals and let them pick their own activities. Just because you were Kenya’s greatest polo player it doesn’t mean your kid will be
Offer incentives & praise
Incentives aren’t bribes (or are they?) Regardless, incentives teach children the value of not giving up. Incentives can be anything from choosing what to have for supper, sitting next to mum in the car, to points on a behavioural chart. It doesn’t have to be a monetary gift.
Pleasure and pride is felt when a child achieves something for themselves. Praise, praise, praise… whether your kids is Captain of the sports team or the shy kid trying things out offer love and support always.
Non competitive activities
Other than sports and organised activities there’s a ton of stuff to do as a family.
I like the idea of a summer project, something long term. An achievable goal but something that needs to be tended to and nurtured every day. Start a veg patch, a build a boat from matchsticks, learn a new skill or have a friendly family summer long competition.
Boredom Busters
Ideas for entertaining the kids are easy to Google. My son loves science and I’m definitely going to try a load of these great ideas. One of the best ideas I’ve seen is a boredom jar. Simply write down a list of activities and either choose one every morning or when the kids say ‘I’m bored’. The items can be a mixture of fun and chores.Play dates
It sounds obvious but schedule more play dates. My son loves his friends. Play dates don’t include screen time but for some reason when a friend is here he is happy to play hide and seek or jump on the trampoline. Play dates build relationships and encourage healthy friendships.
When all is said and done it IS ok for kids to have screen time
I have friends who have kids the same age as ours and they don’t own and TV let alone a PlayStation. This to me seems to the pinnacle of excellent parenting. A childhood with no screen time. That’s the standard we should all be aiming for. However, I already cocked that up a long time ago and I’m to weak and pathetic to remove all the devices from our house, so this little excerpt made me feel less guilty.
The goal of a frustrated parent should not be to remove the child’s access to these activities, but to help the child find balance between time spent using these devices and time spent in independent activity, outdoor experiences in nature, and plenty of physical activity which a growing body craves.
Yay, so this guy says it’s ok if I don’t throw the tablets out. I can just try to apply moderation. Parental guilt subsides slightly
When all else fails
When you’re all crafted out, you’ve baked 400 gingerbread men, forced 5 games of football and are resorting to sneaky sips of wine straight from the bottle, then it’ probably time to relent and let them back on the infernal machine. I have it on good assurance (ok an article in the Guardian) that these are the least mind destroying and educationally helpful games out there: Minecraft, LittleBigPlanet, Lego Worlds or Super Mario Maker or Toca Boca on the tablet.
Set a limit
Nowadays you can set a limit on what kids play and how long they play on nearly every tablet and device out there. PlayStation, Kindle, Netflix and Showmax all allow you to set age restrictions on the games and programmes they interact with. Tablets and consoles allow you to turn them on and off at specific times and / or to set a limit to x hours a day after which they will just turn off. Kindles offer an option whereby the kids have to read or do an educational game before the tablet allows them to play their own games.
If all else fails set a verbal time limit and your alarm clock. When the bell goes off hit snooze for a 5 minute warning after which time’s up.
I can relate – I have two boys 15 and 21! From years of similar situations as yours – my word of advise would be – don’t let yourself be bullied, choose your battles, set the rules/expectations (make sure they are realistic & enforceable) – make sure everyone understands them (even write them down) – then don’t change them – even if it is easier for you to do so! One of my problems was always losing track of time, realising after 3 hours that I hadn’t said ‘enough’, then getting angry. If you say ‘you can have 1 hour’ – give a 10 min warning – be prepared for the fight when they say ‘but I’ll lose everything’ or ‘I’m just about to win’ etc etc. Make sure this is clear when setting the rules/time etc ‘Remember you only have 1 hour – even if you’re just about to win something – you’ll still have to turn it off or you won’t have any screen time tomorrow’. Many games are designed to be addictive – look up screen addiction – it’s quite worrying. Anyway, good news is my 21 year old stopped playing games a few years ago and has now realised that he is addicted to youtube and is slowly weaning himself off it! My 15 year old still gets really grumpy when we interrupt his screentime but is old enough that when we point this out -he apologizes. I’m also faced with working full time over 8 weeks holiday (from school & uni) – our plan is to go camping for as long as we can – no wifi, no power, things to do like chopping wood etc!!! Good luck. Also – it’s good for kids to be bored! That’s what I told mine anyway – they always found things to do. Unless they are teenagers then they just stay in bed!
Love the camping idea…ifonly it would stop raining and being freezing cold Id be camping every weekend.Thanks for your helpful advice. Ill certainly given it a go
Oh sweet mama. It’s so hard.
One thing I’ve found in parenting is–they adapt fast.
My advice: just take a break from all video games for the summer.
A break.
Sweetly, just put it away (at night). Be prepared for meltdown for a week. Just plan to be home. He can either be grouchy or find something to do. They adapt really fast.
We’ve had times of so much TV and I’ve decided to just take a break for the summer from all TV. They thought they would die. I thought I might die. We all adapted within a couple of weeks and there was much more peace in our home.
Then there are no more battles. Because YOU my dear, are the mom. You DO know what’s best for him. And you know this isn’t it. So stand firm. He can have some screen time back when YOU decide it will be ok. (Like fall, and when you see that it isn’t an addiction/cause meltdowns/WWIII).
You’re the mom. Be brave. Be strong! You can do it!!!! I am pulling for you!
Okay, your struggles really resonate with me because that’s where I was about 8-10 years ago. I don’t mean to sound bossy or like this will be easy. I know it’s so hard.
I know it seems like the TV/Video games give you a break. And what will they do with that time and how will you ever get dinner made/get a minute to yourself? And if you are depressed (I think another post mentioned that) you barely have energy to deal with this anyway.
I just want to encourage you that it’s actually SO SO much easier when you cut out a lot of the media and (all) video games. They learn to entertain themselves. They are more creative. They learn to play together. It’s rough at first (more for us than them, I think) but now I see how my younger kids play and how much calmer and more sane and more peaceful they are as little people, not amped up all the time. Or whatever other decision you want to make but feel trapped by your current reality.
So I don’t mean to make you feel guilty, truly. I want to empower you.
It doesn’t matter what choices you have made or feel you messed up on up till now. The oldest is only 6. He will barely even remember this when he’s 14. My 14 year old today told me everything from 4-10 is a big blur!!! :)
You can set the course right. Think hard about what you think is right. (Ask your husband too, decide together.) Then, just DO IT.
They will scream and freak out and melt down.
And then they’ll be fine. They’ll adapt. So, whatever YOU think is best, Mama, just do it. You know what’s best. You’ve been on this earth longer. You’ve had more experience. You know. YOU know. You KNOW.
You can do it.
Feel free to email me and we can discuss further, if you want. I am happy to share. Or meet me at the Purdy Arms for tea, whatever. :)
Your friend from Oklahoma, USA, Taresa
The book Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne is excellent. He talks about how some of the ideas in the book really help kids with anxiety. I’d highly recommend it. :) It reinforces, in a super gentle way, your authority as a parent but with kindness & love.