On Saturday we went to our first ever sports competition. My son isn’t naturally sporty and being an introvert he struggles with team sports. We’ve tried football, rugby, tennis, playball, swimming and Taekwondo and he’s only found his groove with the latter two. Particularly with Taekwondo. Rupert has known he is a Ninja from a young age and realises that Taekwondo, ‘Ninja class’, is an essential component of his training. He’s so into it that he frequently takes himself away to his room and practises his various spins and kicks.
First knock to confidence
He was so proud a few weeks ago when he had to show off his Ninja moves at school. All the kids lined up and demonstrated a few kicks and then had a little no contact spar with each other. Rupert took this as an opportunity he had been waiting for to show off his hard won skills. Instead of straightforward kicks and punches he spun and twirled in a most impressive display. Surprised and a little delighted at such enthusiastic showmanship, the whole school including the many attendant parents burst out laughing. Myself included. He was so upset afterwards. ‘But why did they laugh at me mummy’ he asked many times, and I explained that we were laughing because he was so good. He looked perturbed. Laughing surely isn’t the response to such high-end Ninja skills but after day or two it was forgotten.
The big day
The morning of the Taekwondo competition dawned and he woke up full of beans. Here was a chance to rectify previous wrongs. No one would laugh this time. Training had gone into overdrive and he would definitely emerge victorious.
It was a big auditorium. There were lots of kids. He had to wait a long time for his turn. His competitor was very aggressive. Lots of factors contributed to what happened next, but in short he hadn’t realised it was a real fight. Previously having only practiced fighting with pretend kicks and punches.
The heartbreak
Two hours later he ran from the hall crying. He had managed about 30 seconds of his fight before he burst into tears and ran to me. When we tried to make him go on again he was so scared he wouldn’t stop shaking. We took him home where he spent the rest of the day in his room crying and not talking. After hours of hugs and chat he eventually shared that he felt that he was useless. He couldn’t do any of the other sports. He is one of the lowest reading groups in his class. He doesn’t have many friends. The only thing he was good at was Taekwondo and now figures he was useless at that too.
Am I the only parent that spends half my time completely at a loss of what to do? I feel like this is my 3rd or 4th post on the subject of feeling utterly powerless.
I want to weep for Rupert. As much as my heart and head hurt writing this, I know its nothing compared to how bad he felt last Saturday. How hard he beat himself up. He struggles so much. To have found something he felt good at and to then feel that it’s been taken away from him. It broke his heart. I fear it’s broken him.
Does my 6-year-old boy understand, or even believe me when I tell him that its ok to be overwhelmed in that situation. That anyone would be scared. We talked about determination. About giving things another go even when things seem difficult but I don’t want to push him. Equally I don’t want him to give up on this sport, which makes him so happy. I don’t want to teach him that its ok to run away from confrontational situations but I also don’t want to make him feel worse than he already does.
Happy to be me
I don’t care if he is good at sports or not. I don’t need him to be like all the other boys. I think its great that he prefers to play Lego or draw pictures at break time rather than play soccer with the other kids. I’m happy for him to be President of the chess club rather than Captain of the hockey team. He’s my boy and he’s perfect in every way, because he doesn’t confirm to the pre-set ideals of what a kid should be. But the issue isn’t about my feelings, it’s about his. If he doesn’t play sports because he doesn’t want to that’s one thing. If he doesn’t play sports because he thinks he’s bad at it then its entirely different. I need to know how to teach him that it’s ok to take chances, to come second best, or last best. To be bad at things as well as to be good at them. That taking part is half the fun. Fear of failure
Trouble is now we are both scared. I am scared that if he keeps trying and failing in the way that he has then he will grow sadder and less confident and more introvert. I’m scared of hearing him cry and say he is useless. He is scared of failure, at feeling useless and at people laughing at him. I’m trying to see a way forward but its tough. Parenting is tough. Now I just need to teach Rupert to be tough too.
If you find yourself in a similar situation I found this article which I think will help Rupert and I find a way forward. Perhaps it will help you too.