As the year dawns, Covid smothers the world, my chances of seeing my family grow ever remote, and fear and uncertainty for the future have become a natural part of daily life, I ponder how to stride forth into the second year of a pandemic.
I have determined that 2021 will be a year of joyful things.
Joy is found in the small and unlikely as well as in the grand and momentous. Little things can shine a light in the bleakest of days. In 2021 I believe we need to seek that kernel of sweetness in the bitter pills we are sometimes forced to swallow.
For many expats in Kenya, 2020 was a game of two halves.
2020 was a year of fear and solitude, a year of lockdown and masked faces, a year of worrying about families that were 1000’s of miles away and impossible to reach.
For months I stayed inside, as we all did, my chest tight with stress, frantically spraying anything that entered the house with sanitiser. Gasping for breath after moonlit nightmares, fearing for the lives of my elderly grandparents and my tiny sleeping babies.
And then I ran away. I ran to the coast in the darkness of the morning, my body humming with anxiety, as I drove my small children out of Nairobi and towards a coastal town with limited medical supplies. Was I doing the right thing. No one could give me an answer.
I was one of a small minority of people that got to spend summer 2020 living a beachy dream. Yet it didn’t offer me an escape from the nightmare that was unfolding across the world.
Instead of appreciating my relative safety and the magnificence of my surroundings I focused on the negative. What I didn’t have and what could go wrong. I needed more holidays, more space, more friends, more pets, more wine. I was so consumed with what playthings could distract me from a situation that I wasn’t comfortable to confront that I forgot to appreciate what I had at the time. To see the beauty in the small things. To, quite literally, stop and smell the roses.
In 2020 I determined that The Expat Mummy would earn me a fortune. No longer would I write a post like this one, meandering through the hillocks of my emotions, splaying my darkest feelings and quiet triumphs for the world to see. No! The Expat Mummy would become Live Travel Kenya, and I would only write keyword-driven, SEO posts with links that would drive income.
Aside from the fact that trying to launch a travel website in 2020 was an almost laughably stupid idea, what really hit me when looking back on 2020 was how I had turned something I loved and valued into something that felt like a chore. As the year progressed, I lost the will power to write corporate style blogs. I missed heart on sleeve, unflattering diary-style posts that left me feeling slightly shaky and vulnerable when I posted them. I missed being The Expat Mummy. I missed ‘hey are you the Expat Mummy?’ being bellowed across beaches and from neighbouring safari vehicles. I missed this, I missed you all.
I realise that in my pursuit of MORE and BETTER, I had failed to find the joy in the small things. In trading The Expat Mummy for Live Travel Kenya I had lost the refuge and release that this blog had always given me. I struggled through my time in Watamu because I failed to realise how fortunate I was. I moaned endlessly about home-schooling without considering what a golden opportunity I had been given to spend a year getting to know my children. To raise them, to teach them, to grow closer to them.
So, in 2021, I claim back The Expat Mummy. I will still write travel blogs, I will still distill all the knowledge of my journeys and experiences and write honest accounts of each, but I’ll also return to the heart of this blog.
I’m an Expat Mummy who struggles a lot, who doesn’t find life easy all the time. I am a person who often feels lonely, and alienated. A person lacking a sense of belonging in any country. A person who struggles with social skills.
I’ll write real blog posts that mean something to me, and each and every post will grow my pot of happiness because its important. And not because it’s business-driven or money minded.
In 2021 I’ll look up instead of down, out instead of in, and turn that frown upside down.
For 2021 I vow to be kind, find joy in the minutiae of daily life and share our Kenyan sunshine with the world.
Thanks for being here for the journey. x
I have just stumbled across your blog and I have already read two posts so far. Last year was above everything a learning experience for most of us and I am glad you found your purpose (for the blog) again. Happy New Year!
Thank you