If love is all you need, why do some parents find it so hard
So it’s the last day of school before a month of kid’s holidays. Anticipating the impending chaos I’ve decided to go to Java House and indulge in a large cup of coffee and plate of eggs. I’m sitting here minding my own business when two of the most dreadful families sat either side of me.
Busy, grumpy parents
Busy, grumpy parentsOn my right are a father and his son who must be 12 or so. The father had done nothing but shout at the poor kid since he got here. Belittling him for multitude minor crimes. The poor kid sits there and takes it, head bent, not answering back. At one point after a period of quiet the boy dared ask a question. The father bellowed loud enough for the whole place to hear ‘Just let me get on with stuff will you’, the boy looked cowed and returned to staring at the wall. I managed to sneak a glance at the Dads phone– he’s on Facebook.
On the other side a family with 4 kids. The kids are screaming and throwing stuff all over the place. I’m fine with that. I’ve had 3 kids under 16 months, I am completely familiar with the chaos the kids cause. The issue this time is the mother. The old battleaxe wont stop screaming at her children for no discernible reason. She shouts at them, then shouts at the waiter, then shouts at her husband. She shouted so much that all the kids started hysterically crying. The family cancelled their breakfast and stormed out. Look, it’s not like stomping out of a restaurant with my crying kids in tow is something I haven’t done before. But my family have never been on the receiving end of such nasty and public abuse.
So I’m sitting here sandwiched between grumpy inattentive dad and nervous breakdown mum and I’m thinking ‘why are some parents so bloody awful to their kids?’.
Be busy, be grumpy but be kind
I’m not preaching. There have been times I’ve been a terrible mother. Shouted at them for little reason. Ignored them on my phone when it’s all got too much. And my husband will vouch that he’s been on the wrong end of a bad day more that a few times. Whats bothering me is that these parents seemed to genuinely dislike their kids.
I read a lot about parenting my children because I don’t think I’m a great parent. I recognise that I don’t know it all and try to supplement my lack of knowledge with the expert opinions of those who know better. On this blog I’ve talked about dealing with failure and how to stop my kids fighting. I’m about to write about my struggles with discipline but if there is one thing that I am good at it’s loving my kids.
Our children were desperately wanted. We tried for 4 years to have our first baby and went through a barrage of tests and medical procedure before he arrived. When our little miracle was followed by twin little miracles within a short space of time we were overjoyed but boy did we struggle. Even in those early dark days of coping with 3 little babies I never ever lost sight of the love I have for them. To this day, I feel that my love for my kids is my greatest strength. My kid can never escape without two or 3 snuggles and kisses. I walk holding their hands because I love the contact with them. I tell them I love them 100 times a day. I look at their tiny gorgeous faces in rapt adoration. My issues are maintaining discipline and saying no because I love them so much. I want to give them everything and never want them to be unhappy. If this paints some picture of an angelic mother and 3 rosy-cheeked little cherubs then you couldn’t be further from the truth. Like that Peppa Pig episode ‘ we are a noisy family’. We shout, we scream, we tantrum but we also belly laugh, and tickle and make rude animal noises on the way home from school. Everything that happens good or bad is done with love.
I just didn’t get a sense of that from these two families. It felt to me like the kids were a massive imposition in their parents’ lives. An annoyance that they couldn’t wait to be rid of.
Love is all you need
So what’s the point of this rather rambling and incoherent post? It’s to say that parenting is tough. There are no rules. No shortcuts. Kids are amazing and wonderful but also a bloody nightmare. We can read psychological profiles and super nanny tips till the cows come home but as a parent, only we know the best way to help our children grow up into decent loving adults. And there’s the word, Loving. The only thing that I know for sure is that as parents we need to love our children. We need to love them and hold them and make sure they know that they are adored. If we do that, then we can cock this parenting this up all the time and the little guys wont care because they are secure in the knowledge that their parents love them and want them.
Finally, because this is a particularly ill thought out and unplanned post, I’m going to make my final words be those I’ve stolen from the May 2001 issue of Parents Magazine.
“Above all, though, we show our love by being a steady, reliable, and attentive presence in a child’s life. This means spending quality time — and spending large quantities of time. It means developing strong family rituals and enjoying idle, quiet moments. No skills in parenting substitute for a mother’s and father’s attentive and committed presence. There is nothing more mundane — or sublime — than being a good parent, nothing that makes us feel more vulnerable, and nothing that makes us feel more proud than knowing that, through our children, we have walked this earth and made a difference.”
I agree 100% there are no perfect parents. All they need is love and understanding.